Thursday, September 3, 2009

Leeches!...Some Snakes. I'm A Lying Sack Of Horse Muck

Well, I have been bored for weeks or in a drug induced stupor from my fall through our porch. My leg has been raised above my heart for weeks. My shin is still filled with mess and very hot with infection :( I had to do something other than just write notes on Facebook. I was not going to do the fake farm game on Facebook, when I have a real farm and real animals and real plantings that need my attention. I'm not getting more animals like an fake aquarium, fake rain-forest, or the other virtual Mafia Wars or Farm Town. I'm not.

But, when my kids were little I told them all kinds of stories and entertained them for hours. Mostly because we didn't have TV. I thought, "Why not just make-up a story and make it exciting and ugly?" So... the following story is somewhat true.... Yes, we had a snake, yes, the horses fought, yes, I did run amok in Walmart. And yes, I laughed hard at the reponses I got from all the Virtual Make-believe players on Facebook. Sorry... you were just MY entertainment. I love all my friends and don't be mad. This probably won't be the last story. But....It really wore me out. One too soon would just take me over the edge of reality. "The Twilight Zone" and not the Vampire one ( I wish!)

Real Pacific Coast Rattlesnake That If It Bit Me With My Heart Problem I Would Really Die! Honest!

I wish they got the picture of its head, really--just too scary and Steve had to do it fast
(later note that I didn't know: There is no head on this rattlesnake, Steve already shot it off! Yuck! And that's why there's not much more to show except, well ... you know)
There is this man we give all the rattlesnakes to from Hollywood and then they release them. The guy went on vacation the rattlesnake was getting meaner and the grandchildren more curious. Too Scary! We can't wait anymore this time. It's gotta' go.


Great Great Grandpa Wellman's
Favorite Rattle Snake Gun




Shot It!

Dead!


Susan Wellman Lazenby thinking that we have a very mad rattlesnake--it didn'T eat the mice (they're both dead in the cage) and the dude that wanted the snake went on vacation. What now? Can someone lend me a gun with birdshot? I VANT TO KILL IT!
Friend:
You could take it out in the boonies and let it loose. They do help keep the rodent population down. Just make sure to run fast when you open the cage;)
August 26 at 1:17pm
Friend:
Yeah, what Karen said--they're really good creatures, just not near our houses!
August 26 at 1:19pm
Friend:
take it to GRIMES CANYON where there are no homes for miles. ( :
August 26 at 7:07pm
Friend:
Find a local drug dealer and put it in his mailbox!!
August 26 at 10:31pm
Susan Wellman Lazenby
Now, I like that one! But.. since said it on facebook my son-in-law would have to arrest me for terrorism.Sheriffs!!
Friend:
I bet your son n law would be afraid to arrest you! Lol!
August 27 at 8:57pm
Susan Wellman Lazenby
is happy it's DEAD---you silly tree-huggers! Scared me soooo bad..I almost threw-up! Can u imagine me driving with an escapee rattlesnake in my car? Grimes Canyon, yeeeahhh...I can even imagine my FJ looking like a liittle Tonka Jeep at the bo...ttom. yeeehhh, like "snakes on the FJ." Yes! I'd bail and the fall would kill me.
Friend:
Susan you made me laugh out loud...and spew water..
August 27 at 9:03pm
Bree Lazenby Watson
where are you? I call and call and no one ever answers......miss you Mom!
August 27 at 9:14pm
Susan Wellman Lazenby

oops...sorry! Danger Ranch IS NOT GETTING SAFER! We had a full on 4 horse fight today--I bet on the winner and Banner, the witch won...me too.

freaked my husband out---WE LOVE BARBED WIRE! New project: Banner is grounded to jail time, and the fence is getting replaced.
August 27 at 9:17pm
Susan Wellman Lazenby
Broken phones--I gotta' new battery today and works now. cell is 000-4013. (NOT MY REAL NUMBER, BUT YOU KNEW THAT) It's right next to me and I found out today the phone doesn't well as a mouse. By-golly! You'd think I would know the difference!
August 27 at 9:48pm
Susan Wellman Lazenby
waitiing for her husband's tobacco cocktail (poltice) for my leg. Okay... antibiotics aren't working. Great Grandma McKean's Remedy book is now my source for healing. BTW...I' still taking the pills. What can tobacco do to you if ...you don't freakin' smoke it? Acccccckkkkk! It smells like burnt hair!!!
Friend: likes this.
Friend:
Hope your leg gets better- sorry to hear you are not feeling well.
Susan Wellman Lazenby
hahaha I fell through the porch...I know know for sure...I on a major diet.Thanks for the kind thoughts!
Friend:
Owww that sounds painful!!! hope your recovery time is quick.
Susan Wellman Lazenby is watching Steve gently attaching sterile leeches to my bad leg. Fed-Ex brought them here at about 5:00 a.m. They're from Ecuador--you can buy anything on the Internet! Soooo...that's the latest news from Danger Ranch.


Man Friend and Friend like this.
Friend:
Who are you people ?????
August 28 at 8:57am
Susan Wellman Lazenby
It doesn't hurt at all and they look like slugs, but don't move all around. Cool!
Friend:
YIKES!!
August 28 at 9:04am
Susan Wellman Lazenby
It's not bad really, just the white bedsheets looks like I had a GI leak.
August 28 at 9:08am
Friend:
LOL! I hope you don't plan on posting the photos of it on facebook!! Haaaaaaaa!!
August 28 at 9:12am
Friend:
what a picture that would be lol
August 28 at 9:21am
Susan Wellman Lazenby
Just to let everyone know... I really feel guilty about killing the snake, so I'm making a commitment right now, to set the leeches free in the Santa Paula Creek. I have to make amends.
August 28 at 9:27am
Friend:
LOL!! You are definitely my source of entertainment on facebook Susan....I love it!!
August 28 at 9:31am
Friend:
What - we don't want leeches in SP Creek, do we? At least I don't.
August 28 at 11:03am
Friend:
SUSAN!!! That would be terrible! What if you start some kind of leech colony that takes over! Noooooooo! Also...Luana's statement was perfect. :)
August 28 at 11:04am
Man Friend:
I want pics! lol
August 28 at 11:07am
Friend:
Just say no to introducing a new species into an environment. It could become invasive. LOL. Can you tell I just finished Biology? :) Susan, your posts ARE a hoot tho! :)
August 28 at 11:31am
Friend:
PLEASE don't release a non-native species into the creek--that would NOT make up for the snake incident! Do some extra recycling or wash out and reuse some ziplock bags--that would be a better way to make it up! And I hope the leeches work--how wonderfully medieval!
August 28 at 11:35am
Susan Wellman Lazenby
okay they are going in lake piru
August 28 at 12:31pm
Bree Lazenby Watson
It is odd that everyone is so concerned about the environment and not saying any thing about my Mother wanting to attach blood suckers to her body.
hahaha...just sayin'....
August 28 at 2:14pm
Susan Wellman Lazenby is wondering if leeches get in your eyes? I might have bad dreams..
August 28 at 9:31am
Relative:
?!?!?!
August 28 at 10:35am
Susan Wellman Lazenby
you'll have to read my previous posts...
August 28 at 10:43am
Susan Wellman Lazenby Ya'll wanted to see the leech mess...I can't take a picture of the leeches because they'll dry out. Steve has this holey wrap on them(Really, the tobacco poultice leaked through the suran-wrap----shhhhhhh! I didn't post that information on Facebook.)

Friend:
Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! You are way too funny!!
August 29 at 11:05pm
Susan Wellman Lazenby
IS SPINNING!! WHO RATTED-ME-OUT ABOUT HE LEECHES? I thought Facebook was secure! The FBI is coming to my house to talk to me about transporting So. American leeches to the US. I'm outta' here and going to an undisclosed Walmart location. I... didn't know you need some kind of license! Marnie! Don't tell them anything! I'll be very upset--you didn't call your husband did you? Bye--we maybe on a TV police chase. I've got to go to subway and stop long enough to put on some make-up.
August 28 at 11:51am
Larin Lazenby David Knapp
Run mom run, seriously I just saw fish and game heading your way!!!!! They drive a blue prius and they are wearing hemp clothing.
You are going to prison. I will visit you often, well often enough, I think!
August 28 at 12:06pm
Larin Lazenby David Knapp
P.S. Have you ever seen Jack-ass the movie. Steve-O puts leeches in his eye-balls. What a jack-ass, not you mom, him.
August 28 at 12:07pm
Susan Wellman Lazenby
oh goody ! yakkkkkkk cough...cough
August 28 at 12:12pm
Susan Wellman Lazenby
ok..thanks for the update..we are going to chill a bit at subway i'm not ready for a car chase. i need to do my make-up
August 28 at 12:19pm
Susan Wellman Lazenby
noooo...this was all per doctor discussions
August 28 at 12:21pm
Friend:
A little too much vicadin, hmmmmm??
August 28 at 12:33pm
Friend:
ummm... kinda concerned about all this. i hope it is all susan's really good sense of humor...and there are no leeches..and there are no agents knocking at 'danger ranch.??'
August 28 at 12:46pm
Friend:
I took it as she was really was using leeches for medicinal reasons (I've heard of this) but I did think she was kidding about releasing them LOL. Either way, her posts are interesting to say the least! :)
August 28 at 1:53pm
Relative:
Well, I must say, interesting is one way to put it.
August 28 at 2:03pm
Susan Wellman Lazenby
i'm almost to lake piru and i'm gettin' a little ansty - just saw fish nd
August 28 at 2:10pm
Susan Wellman Lazenby
dang...they are stopping us can't run on this crowded little rd. i'm so poed!
August 28 at 2:17pm
Bree Lazenby Watson
I'm watchin' the news mom! hahaha
August 28 at 2:24pm
Susan Wellman Lazenby
this is not good and the leeches are moving up my leg. I can't be cool...they see i'm hiding something
August 28 at 2:29pm
Relative:
I'm taking you to the looney bin! Take off, eh
August 28 at 3:05pm
Susan Wellman Lazenby
we got free...STeve flashed his badge and I quickly said, "My husband is doing a smoke check" He would never lie, like me.
August 28 at 3:25pm

"This should have been the tip-off that I’m a liar."

Susan Wellman Lazenby Confession time under severe threat of torture...actually....I've been mad at my husband for buying me Depends! I shouldn't have...it was a very large container of pens as in writing pens.
Marnie Lazenby Jenkins how are your pet leeches???? they look like they are doing their job. good luck. btw no one came here while you have been gone ;)
August 28 at 4:53pm ·
Susan Wellman Lazenby
Okay.... I did discuss the leeches with my doctor. I had blood pooling---he dismissed the leeches but "blood-letting" procedure he was considering. I got happy because the pressure was horrible...his filleting of my leg was mentioned and I ...freaked-out truth: Steve witnessed the conversation.
Susan Wellman Lazenby You'all have these virtual farms you guys harvest ...I'm laying in bed with my legs higher than my heart an I only got to hold Finlee 15 minutes total. I neeed adventure! BTW leeches wouldn't service our crik 'cuz there's NO water.
Friend:
Farm Town rules too.
Susan Wellman Lazenby
Leeches rule!
August 28 at 6:34pm

Susan Wellman Lazenby
Lastly, I did go to an undisclosed Walmart and really didn't knock down, with the scooter, a round of clothes and run-over the greeter. I only laid-out a bunch of underpants and socks. and when I took back the scooter... the mean old man exclaim...ed, "WATCH-OUT!!!" and everyone looked at me.... like I needed Depends. If that old man greeter is there next time he better watch "His" back. I think we're the same age.
August 28 at 5:20pm
Friends: and 2 others like this.
Susan Wellman Lazenby
dang you Kiely for telling on me on facebook....and just so you guys know....the stain on my bed was a tobacco (gasp!) poultice....Steve already washed the sheets and made the bed. Not mad...kisses to him! ♥ ♥ ♥
Susan Wellman Lazenby
Still yearning for leeches, they have a new purpose in my life.
August 28 at 5:27pm
Susan Wellman Lazenby
You guys can delete me if you want....no vicodin was involved today. HONEST!!!!
August 28 at 5:28pm
Friend:
Vicodin rules.
August 28 at 6:29pm
Susan Wellman Lazenby
okay...yeah u win..but my system is not working.
August 28 at 6:38pm
Susan Wellman Lazenby
just received a note in my inbox from friend saying,"You are not a credible person to me anymore." Thank you! I always knew I was "incredible!" I'm trying to ROTFLOL, but.... I'm in bed with another tobacco poultice an...d it feels great! Lots of towels to save the bedding. FWI just had Alka Seltzer for pain--no more vicodin.
Friend: likes this.
Friend:
If a "friend" told you that you are not a credible person...time to find new friends. And you are right..you are INCREDIBLE...and your so called friend can "pound sand"
August 28 at 9:10pm
Friend:
Pound Sand--Now there's and oldie and I agree..
August 28 at 10:57pm
Susan Wellman Lazenby
She didn't delete me---hahahha You think I'll ever be credible? Actually, in the end... I always come clean. I don't want to go to hell over my leech tale. Imagination RULES!! It helps my attitude when I'm Sooooo stuck.
August 29 at 7:59am
Friend:
I'm going to start calling you Susan the incredible.
August 29 at 2:23pm
Susan Wellman Lazenby
Oh, my gosh...Thank-you "Ashley the Wonderful!" You Are!
August 30 at 11:04pm
Susan! I hear the story about the leeches, etc. was not true. Did you _ _ _ about it?
I can't believe you would do such a thing. (You have daughters that talk, ya know).
Susan Wellman Lazenby
No! I didn't lie. I did get the idea at the Dr's office. But yes...I made the story up as the day went on. I had too many fun responses and I'm sooooo bored with my leg up. I did go to Walmart and that all was true & "big" disaster.. I really set my recovery back. I wanted to add more to the Leech Story, but my daughter's "ratted-me-out" I will always confess my stories at the end... and all my kids knew that...t.hey were concerned that I upset so many people and everyone would mad at me.
August 29 at 11:23pm
Susan Wellman Lazenby
You know this place is a bunch of virtual fairyland. There are even wars & farmtown. I would feel so guilty doing my farm town when I really,really need to be outside with the puppies or loving on the animals.

I hate missing Church. I listen to church songs very night to go to sleep and I love them Thanks for being easy for me to keep going. lymi Susan
August 30 at 12:02am
Susan Wellman Lazenby is just wondering if I've been banned from Facebook?
August 30 at 1:39pm
Friend:
Why?
Friend:
You'll always be my friend....
August 30 at 2:05pm
Friend:
Heck no!! I would protest..you are my great source of entertainment!!
August 30 at 2:14pm
Bree Lazenby Watson
HECK NO! You ROCK Mama!
August 30 at 2:22pm
Friend:
Agggh she does Rock..Always has!!!
August 30 at 2:25pm
Marnie Lazenby Jenkins
no, you just have to promise to keep being silly! :)
August 30 at 2:44pm
Friend:
i agree with Marnie. Your posts the other day, Susan, were the highlight of my day! Keep up the good work!
August 30 at 3:54pm
Man Friend:
I enjoy your posts. they brighten my day.
August 30 at 5:21pm
Man Friend:
;)

Kiely Lazenby to all of you who are friends of my mother on FB she was totally kidding about her pet leaches .. she is a little silly today. Do not worry about her introducing them to the creek.
August 28 at 12:17pm
Friend:
whew! glad to hear she was jk! :)
August 28 at 1:12pm
Friend:
I had a feeling she was kidding about the releasing of them..now I'm wondering if she really did order the leeches off ebay? :) Either way, your moms post always make me giggle :)
August 28 at 1:55pm
Relative:
Whew! hahaha
August 28 at 3:16pm
Marnie did the same thing and "ratted-me-out." She deleted it so I wouldn’t see what she wrote

Larin Lazenby David Knapp: Thinks her mommy is pretty funny!! You are perfect for facebook entertainment. I loved to hear you cracking up today as I read a loud all the funny comments you got. Happy Leaching!

Susan Wellman Lazenby
thank u. I tried to read them yo Steve...but his face! (LIKE... NO YOU DIDN'T--flash my badge! Are you crazy?)

I was laughing so hard I was crying. Lots of folks looked at my mascara all over my t-shirt at Walmart. Poor lady in the stroller...if they only knew.
August 28 at 9:10pm

I was asked by my son if I was wearing "tin foil" hat. Though Larin's Facebook: Are You waiting for aliens?
I said: Susan Wellman Lazenby

Susan Wellman Lazenby just the usual metal headband...people don't lookat me weiird
August 28 at 6:42pm
Susan Wellman Lazenby

Susan Wellman Lazenby you do know we are connected to SETI on our computer TRUE....ASK KIELY...SHE HOOKED US UP!
August 28 at 6:31pm

Actually, now that I've read-up on leeches, I'm going to try some. Didn't hurt Demi Moore! There are images all over the Internet with the cosmetic improvements with leeches. See:

Demi Moore’s Medical Leeches

Susan Wellman Lazenby just freaked my family all out. Steve took me to the doctor at my app't@ 2:00 and I fell asleep listening to my Ipod and the crew there forgot me and the nurse saw me at 5:30 p.m. Air-conditioned, good music, comfy jeans to lay my head on. Whoa! Is my husband ticked?
Yesterday at 7:10pm

The End!











2 comments:

Breeda said...

That is great with all of the comments and freaking out! So fun Mom! I miss you and LOVE you bunches!

jenkinsfamliypost said...

i liked reading all the comments. people are funny. i want to know who told you that you are not credible (sp)??? tell me tell me!
love you mother.