Wednesday, December 31, 2008

In Weirdness Land, This Place Is At The Top



Some of my favorite memories was going to a real outhouse, looking for land turtles, trying to catch the chipmunks, looking for Chuckawallas, looking for Chuckers, and of course the elusive stick-lizards. Outside Jo-burg and Randsburg was a huge playground. I also loved the fancy rocks, still love my memories of the big crystal rocks that my grandmother and grand-father made to look like flowers in a garden in front of their home.

I expected so much more from Ridgecrest where my grandmother and grandfather lived just before retiring from a civilian assignment there in China Lake. It was bad. Lots of bars,adult places, paycheck advance shops, and pawn shops, and empty buildings. It made me sad. One thing that was very important was the barn we are buying. It was in Inyokern and we needed to see it. We have to have a garage, now that Marnie built her house and the inspectors know we don't have one.

The hair-dos on everyone were completely weird. Funny Steve said that when he came from the market and I almost said the same thing at the same time because I was already thinking that, too.

Steve's a guy and does weird guy stuff. He went into an automotive shop for sticky-stuff for our GPS. He brought a chip off a boulder that took off some hiker's legs. I wish he would have just put money in. We didn't need a piece of the boulder to remind us.

We weren't dressed like anyone in the whole town. Everyone had coats with hoods made from real fur and heavy gloves. I didn't notice it was freezing out at the BLM Rescue Burro and Mustang Center. That was wonderful and my dear husband without me even asking him, bought carrots to feed the little burros and Mustangs. I loved it so much we went back there four times.

The west side of Ridgecrest is pretty, almost. I noticed even in the bad part there was no graffiti and at midnight New Year's at 12a. Very little noise, no gun-fire. The motel had great Internet, no cell phone service, and terrible TV.

The big "creepy" part was that we were going to Death Valley (I was depressed after Christmas) This was disturbing to me. We were going to see Devil's Post Pile, Devil's Golf Course, Devil's Corn Field ("Field of Dreams") Dante's Ridge, Dante's View, and Dante's Peak. Steve posed for a "Dust Devil" or Dirt Devil and now won't give me the picture. Then he started in talking about how Manson has killed people out there somewhere and they're buried out in the desert. Thank you, you are getting way tooooooo creepy.

I made a snow angel in the snow (with a left broken wing) now that alone makes me think I've got a lot of work to do before I leave for heaven. ha! ha! I fell down in the snow and was laughing so hard a car almost stopped because I think they thought I was crying. I kept slipping. I got in the car so wet and cold and having a hot flash because I was so embarrassed . The song playing was "I can't heat-up, I can't cool down, round and round--abracadabra, I'm gonna' reach out and grab ya" Steve tried hard to grab me--it was too funny. We went on a newly opened road called Wild Rose? Anyway, it was a dirt road and it was 5400 feet. We were high and then very low. Anyone for car-sick?

We saw Scotty's Castle and a bunch of Cata-rumpus looking rocks. Everything was an adventure. Steve saw the movie Hilago with me; and when we saw trailers with the writing on the trailers called, "Arabian Riders." Steve thought it was a bunch of Bedouin's in traditional, gilded-edged, robes and head-dresses. Maybe, but I think I saw some cowboy hats out there. Steve once said, "Wow! What's out there?!?" "A hole," I answered. You had to be there.

We laughed a lot. Steve and I ate really weird stuff and we generally acted silly the whole way. We have a new plan for the O'Connor hill site. We want to camp there and go off-roading. I would love to hear the wind blow threw the salt pines again.
Death Valley, Jo-burg, Off Roading, Randsburg, Ridgecrest

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

You could never guess where I am......

I'm in beautiful downtown Ridgecrest! Steve wanted to take me to a get-away, just us vacation spot & here we are. It was just us at the restaurant, the movie, and the motel. Okay, a few came to the motel, but this town is deserted & desert.

I was informed to be ready when he got off work at 8a and we would begin our voyage. It happened that he lost the money to go so....he asked me where I lost it. Considering recent past history, I almost took the rap. ha! ha! He lost it! The money was packed in a weird spot in his suitcase. We both forgot our antibiotics for our cold & Kiely had to bring them downtown to us, so we wouldn't have to go back home. We need a vacation. Strange idea, yeeeeaaaahhh! "The Jackass Capital of the World". I'm not kidding or losing it-my husband thought if he brought me here, I would fit in with the locals, I did have family here a while back.

We saw a good children's movie, some of it filmed in Santa Paula, called Bedtime Stories. I really wanted to see another movie that starts with a "t". There was a movie filmed near here called, "Chopper Chicks In Zombie Town" It's available to rent at any video rental store. Copy that, Where's Tremors?

Tomorrow, we get to go to "Death" Valley. This is way EMO, don't you think?

The next day is Randsburg, Jo-burg, and Jawbone Canyon. My grandparents lived there a long time ago and since I've been caught crying, Steve thought it would be fun for me to see where they used to live. The house is torn down and there's trash there. Very sad. Yes, it's the dump now.

I have lots to write about, now I think I'll listen to my MP3, and not the heater.


Death Valley, Desert, EMO, ROTFLOL, Randsburg

I need to make a correction and addition to my Ridgecrest, etc. posts

I just found out about the hiker who lost his leg. A very nice someone was selling pieces of the boulder to help the man with expenses. The hiker that was hurt is a local person, in Ridgecrest....I thought it was strange buying (a donation) piece of the rock to help him. Steve meant to take the rock back in to the donation jar--he just wanted to show me. My husband thought it was very smart and an imaginative way to raise money. Also, it showed a bunch of work on the friends part, to help the hiker. The one who did this, or persons, did a "major work" to break-up the boulder... and have so many pieces to sell. I put it in my purse and now, it's in my rock collection.

I also want to add that if you would like to "dis" my town of Santa Paula, feel free! I saw persons try and push a car in "park" in the busiest intersection in town. People went to help and the dummy driver went through a red light and put the helpers in harms way. I saw a bunch of trashy people throwing their garbage on the sidewalk. And a lovely, personable person hit the "flashing stop pedestrians signal" and not cross, on purpose. I saw "nice" people honking horns and "hand signaling" their sweet and lovely feelings. A lady my age of about 50 something-- --years old, hide three large bottles of beer under her blouse and try to escape the gas station while we were filling up our FJ. Oh sorry, that was Saticoy. Does that count? A Car just hit a pedestrian at Blanchard Street and Santa Paula Street. Now... on the scanner...this very minute, a CHP is chasing a motorcycle into town. The scanner is still going. It will be another, one of those nights. Ridgecrest, you sound pretty good, right now.

More information from the pedestrian hit in Santa Paula...the person may not have made it and if the person did make it from the accident it would have been a miracle. Steve was very upset from the incident. It was a hit and run, however there were good witnesses. My sister-in-law lives just a block away. So sad. Our town is quite a mess right now.

Cold Really..., Ridgecrest, Strange, Unusual Town

Monday, December 29, 2008

Why Is Wonder Woman On My Mind?













Notice I didn't Photoshop Wonder Woman. But the lady (man?) on the right, has really hairy legs and arms. I just wondered...Now, you are wondering why is this blogger, Susan Wellman Lazenby... is thinking about Linda Carter.

Well, I saw her at the mall and she looks exactly the same. Wow! I couldn't believe it...she was in Santa Barbara and she was telling me all her secrets of her healthy lifestyle and how she runs 6 miles a day and I'm telling you a big, fat, lie! I don't know where she is, but I know she looks good, still.

The stuff I think about in the middle of the night; and I don't know if it's related to a dream or what. Do you believe stuff gets exaggerated at night? It was a pain, lots of pain telling my husband what I did. I so felt like Lucille Ball when she bought the furniture when her husband, Ricky Ricardo told her "No." That episode was on yesterday, why oh why, didn't I think of it--what happens? The consequences? I just saw it! And I did exactly the same thing. But, no one will share it. Furniture you can share. I bought two pickin' bathing suits, with cover-ups!

Maybe late last night the TV was going and Steve was watching "Wonderful Woman." (Steve's name for her) Never-mind, his eyes were closed. I think, I know I did a bad thing. I bought a bathing suit to start swimming. I couldn't make-up my mind, so I bought two. Accckkk! I didn't mean to, really. I just had this debit card and I went to both bathing suits and I clicked it. The same time I was thinking and rationalized in my mind that I didn't want to wear a wet bathing suit the next day I swim. They never dry in our house unless the east wind is blowing. It is blowing. I am in total "tan ansiosa para mí"....

I couldn't sleep, I can really hear the wind and I have visions of me in a Wonder Woman outfit. The lady in the right looks kinda' like me, except, you know it's a man, and my hair is short, and my glasses are pretty. Actually, my chest isn't all that big either. Okay, now where do I swim?

Wonder Woman Not...Bathing suit Not... New Year's Resolution, YES

What a Wonderful Day. Sad / Extremely Happy / Crazy

First of all, I want to make this clear, I definitely do not have shifts in mood disorder, As in Bipolar. I'm generally very, very happy except when I fight with my son-in-law, Dave. (not really) He's my favorite! Actually, he is today! I can't say why, but with the new general technology, that I'm too old to understand. A "something" was shown to me that made me so happy I couldn't contain myself. I still have to wait. But yes, we're all so blessed.










I did take pictures of Kiely teaching her horse tricks and Kiely jumping on her without reins and bareback. Sahara, the Wonder Horse is amazing, she has a growing vocabulary that is very impressive. I don't think we've had a horse so intelligent since our young Polish Arabian, Smokey, probably smarter. (Early 1960's) I've never seen a horse pick-up on anyone's words like Sahara. The horse also LOVES children, actually licks them all over their face--like Kiely. No Kiely doesn't lick the kids, I mean...the horse licks the little kids, like she loves on Kiely. That's funny. It makes a big difference that Kiely works her consistently every day'

Kiely's got a blog: CowGirl Kiely

Jumping to the next "Big" happening. Out of the blue...Nieces and nephews and gillions of cousins came today, without the knowledge of the other, but they came. Granted, the little ones are 2nd cousins. But... Oh! It was wonderful to see them. There were babies I had never met and they are beautiful. We had to meet at Marnie's Mansion because so many, many could never fit in our house. It was wonderful watching the cousins meeting each other. Of course, some didn't get the drift because there's so young but Emily Etchells was the oldest at 12. Then all the way down to Marianne's little lap-baby, who's 5 months. It was heaven! A noisy one, but such a wonderful surprise. Steve drove the firetruck up to see everyone and I know that John, Steve's other wife. BFF Uncle John was "chill-axing" watching the running and playing. Happy Uncle John, unfazed by the whirlwind and completely never spins, put his feet up and soaked it all in. While the "newbie" young firefighter was "big-eyed" and desperate to leave. It was a short stay, but a surprise again--remember the first paragraph.. That one! --I'm not suppose to tell. But it has to do with a BABY!!!! I'm so happy. #15

Kiely and I had to leave because the missionaries were coming to teach Randy, the cowboy. Well, they all came, all four because they were transferring. Hard to say bye and looking forward to a new "cowboy missionary" to come. This is a missionary fast and prayer special month by the Regional Representative. I fast on New Year's Day. Perfect for me, not for anyone else, because Steve will be at work. I'm looking forward to my part.

****Added at 7:05a Dec.30th 2008: I had Tachycardia last night. Too much emotion in one day. I need to be more like John. I need to not spin and relax. I just ran a marathon the half the night. I hope the whole thing burned some calories. See, I'm trying to "turn sour lemons into lemonade", right? It's a beautiful day!

Let Heavenly Father Help You and Turn Your Troubles To The Lord


Today I had very high hopes of being able to find Kiely's DVD Spanish Lessons and the very, very important receipts from her car accident. The insurance needs to pay-up from the young man that hit her while talking on the cell phone. Both these items have been missing since we went to Disneyland. My husband removed the receipts from my purse because he thought my purse was too heavy. I thought he put them on my computer desk and the Spanish lessons....one out of about 12 discs were just gone. The first one was the application and that was the one missing! My husband would keep asking me about it and my 20 year-old daughter would not let-up on the insurance paperwork. I felt very pressured to find these TODAY.I think I may end-up a complete EMO-Goth with my dark-circled eyes and redness.

I completely tore into my closet and computer desk. I may have done that over three times. Cleaned completely my file cabinet. Looked all through the living room, all the cubbies and all the mail of Dec. I even called our doctor to have his office start all over copying what I had lost. That is not an easy operation. Kiely is an adult and she needs to sign paperwork and the staff was mad. They actually hung-up the phone with complete exasperation and the office staff were infuriated with my request. I started crying hard. Just for me to know someone was really mad at me and refused my request completely broke my heart. I thought they liked me. Pain. I had done everything except for prayer. I knew I did all I could do. I couldn't call my husband and tell him I lost it all. So I knelt in prayer and begged. I knew I upset my grandchildren. They all kept reassuring me I'll find it all. My answer to my prayer was very strange-I almost thought "that just can't be the answer"... As clear as a person talking. I was to go sit on the sofa and to not worry. Be calm. I sat down and cried and started trying to relax.

This is the part that when I lost it. My husband called and I started to talk and he couldn't understand me. Happens when I cry and talk at the same time. So, Kiely took the phone and said, "Mom lost my insurance papers." Kiely looked at me. I put my hands over my face and she said,"Dad has the insurance papers and receipts in his financial file, he took them for safe-keeping before we left to Disneyland." I don't have early onset dementia, in other words, "cognitive and intellectual deterioration" I wasn't losing my mind. Whew. I'm so completely humble and grateful.

My last huge task. Larin said, "You know, the DVDs are probably just two stuck in the same slot. Just mixed-up." Kiely said that she had looked. Mind you, the DVD do stick inside. I carefully unfolded each section and there you go...the very first one had two in the same slot. The one that was missing.

I write this and it sounds so completely trivial. I have skinned-up knuckles. To me... it was a great answer to my prayers. I wasn't banished to the barn with the puppies (Dog House) and I learned a great lesson. Pray sooner and not become overly upset about anything. I feel that I'm really watched over and truly grateful for faith and the love from my Heavenly Father.

I cried a lot more, just because of my lesson. I'm going outside and take pictures of Kiely and her horse. She teaching her tricks, just like her Grandpa Gene and Great-Granpa Joe. She doesn't know they did that. Kiely is really a cowgirl.

 Anxious, Crying, Discouragement, Distraught, Lost and Found

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Jean Ann Thank You - My Hero. I'm Going To Be Here For You

Today has been more than a let-down, it has been downright depressing. It's not like I had anything to be unhappy about. Nothing I can even put my finger on... I had an absolutely wonderful Christmas. I've been on a spiritual high, family thankfulness, and deep appreciation for all my family, especially all my husband does for me. Is it because it's over? Tree's still up and decorations.

My head is mush. Steve and I slept most of today. I did see a terrific movie that made me cry, called August Rush. Dave and Larin received it as a gift. It had a amazing new story. Mostly, however, I tried to get well. It was sleeping / waking / coughing / sleeping, again.

It bothers me I'm missing important insurance receipts, I lost Kiely's school CD for her Spanish class and they weren't cheap and she HAS to have them found for this semester. And, I was missing the cable to my MePC, but I walked out of bed and right to it at 2:00a this morning. That was weird. Steve said he felt the same way today and is taking sick days off. You can't have a muddled mind in his work as a firefighter and the BIG decisions might not be within his reach today. I'm glad that the city has some sick days. The citizens should be grateful, also.

When one of my daughters have a migraine (she's had them since she was very, very young) She says my head feels like melted butter and I'm there.

New revelation: I figured it out at 6:00p that I'm sad for my best friend. Very sad. I'm not trying to think of something to match my depression--this isn't a pity-party. Here I am, okay as far as I know, and looming in the very, very near future my friend is going to have a huge operation. It is the breast cancer in her that has me upset. I feel guilty happy.

I called her. She's so my hero. I can't believe what a completely wonderful attitude she has. Jean Ann told me she has thousands praying for her and she feels their comfort and all will be well. She's motivated to sing and exercise, actually she's going to go sing at another friend's birthday party. Giving herself and losing her sadness. She has faith overflowing. I completely did an about face. We really talked a lot she wanted me not to worry. We set goals together, laughed about how weird life is for us right now.

A letter came today, I was handed the mail after I talked to Jeanie. The missionary that taught me about the Church, Lee Jewkes, past-away in March. Elder Jewkes blessed my life so much and was so worried that because I joined the Church in just a week, that I would fall away. We kept in contact. Elder Jewkes, with his Priesthood gave me the Gift of the Holy Ghost on Feb. 25th almost 40 years ago. Thank you dear elder for sacrificing so much to go on a mission and find me. I will never forget you and hope to meet you on the other side. I know angels came for him and he's truly in heaven, I know that. I can only smile when I think of him.

I'm going to be different. I'm going to carry an umbrella for my friend, Jean Ann. I want to be a support and prayers.

Psalms 112:7

"He shall not be afraid of evil tidings: his heart is fixed, trusting in the LORD."

Psalms 56:3

"In God have I put my trust: I will not be afraid what man can do unto me."

The scriptures are so full of wonderful quotes on faith, hope and trusting in the Lord. I need to read my scriptures so much more often.
Breast Cancer, Faith, Hope, Trusting The Lord

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Thursday, December 25, 2008

I Wish Christmas Would Never End










































I really loved this Christmas. I forgot about walking over dumped legos, pieces of Mr. Potato Head, and misc. fun and exciting stuff from the $1.00 store. Most of the toys are still there. We went on a road trip across town to meet my husband and the other firefighters at my sister-in-law's home. Funny, we all (the older ones) mention that we should be watching the Twilight Zone Marathon while we eat. Old time traditions that are completely weird. For all of my younger grandchildren that statement has absolutely nothing to do with the current "twilight" subject.

My son, who is known for his quietness, said prayer over the dinner. It just went into my heart that someday he will be the patriarch of his own big family in just a turn of time. He is not shy, just thinks before he speaks. My son, when he talks, he uses words that are often quick, but very well chosen. We say--to the new recruits, "Do not ask his sister out on a date and definitely, absolutely, do not use any profane language around her or even at the station." Dustin will certainly light 'em up. One firefighter had to sit in the corner, maybe I have that wrong, but he really lets them have it. We don't call him Uncle Butt-Kicker for nothing. Funny how then, as time goes, he completely and totally forgets about it. He's just like his dad. Opposite of me, who said, "WOW!" "The HD TV shows everything" Someone snickered and there on the large screen was a woman--I said,"She's rather nippy" Okay, you know, that I was around just my family, except Kiely's boyfriend. oops. My family went nuts and said, "Mom!" in unison. I was even reminded about it later.

I just want you all to know I did take some Vicodin, first time since my face cleared-up. I still have black-eyes. Green make-up helps that. But... my shoulder was a mess from getting in and out of the car for caroling. So, there's my excuse. But, if I was completely truthful, I would have said it anyway. I always goof and out slips a word, or few, not thought-out, blurted-out. I may have undiagnosed Tourette. Now, don't jump me for that statement, my dear nephew has it. Maybe,I'm just...well, go figure....yes, my dad.

Kiely and I both received little computers called, EeePC. I automatically called it a Me pc. It is great to have and just like a little book. It's solid state and really much better than a Palm thingy. I've really never received a gift at Christmas. We did go Arkansas as a gift to ourselves last year. Steve saved all his CERT money for the little computers. Kiely needs it for school. Her old one, the very, old Dell that burns-up. We exchanged to a new battery and it doesn't seem to help. So...with Steve and fires, and our luck--it's in the "do-not-use" category.

My children and everyone bought us a middle-of-the-road, flat screen. It's beautiful! We don't need the huge, huge one. I cannot take my eyes off of it. I've never seen fur move on a animated cartoon like that Arctic movie. I just was mesmerized by the mammoth's long hair. We have everyone's old cast-off TVs. Dave said this is my old TV, then said, this is my old TV, and then, again this is the Watson's old TV. I figured that Steve gets enough (he doesn't like TV anyway) but there's a flat-screen at the fire station. So there you go. Half the time, Steve has it at work.

Now my favorite thing was watching my grandchildren, laughing with my sister and mother, and just generally seeing the interaction between everyone. Still, Kiely is so still the baby at almost 20. I'm so not through with her yet or ready to let her find her love and go marry. I was scared as presents go. Her side-kick and his mother just gave her a halter. yay! She is thrilled, she also received a cowgirl vest. She was so excited about the halter she sent me a picture! The unreceived. I have her for a little while longer.

The food, yeeeahhh. Too much. Steve played a trick on all of us. He went to a call, while at Luana's, and when the call was over, he said all the ambulance medics were coming for dinner, too. So, we all scrambled to eat it all before they came. I hurt. Luana saved dishes for the firefighter crews to eat, but not for all the medics. Needless, to say, I didn't have room for dessert and "bless his little heart" Steve brought me a cookie for Christmas Evening in the firetruck. He's so sweet.

I love Christmas and the older I get--it just becomes a wonderful joy, like taught in the Temple. My heart is full. I love you Bree-Bree, thank you for the love today. A Joyous day and I'm so grateful.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year


We wish you a very, Merry Christmas to all my friends, family, and visitors! I am so very grateful to be blessed to have all of you in our lives. Thank you for all you do. We are hurrying and running making this and that just right. We realize and hope that this Christmas we'll all remember the Savior and the gift that Heavenly Father has sent to us. "Emmanuel, God With Us" is so moving as the song tells us.

May the birth of Jesus, our Savior, inspire happiness, joy and peace to you all and may your family be blessed throughout this coming New Year. With Love to you all! Steve, Susan, and Kiely (and all the others)

 Lazenby Christmas Wish, New Year, Peace and Joy

We Went a'Caroling Last Night!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Beautiful Christmas Days In Santa Paula and The Abrupt And Useless Bluffs

Up the Crick, Santa Paula Canyon

Our Jurassic Park

The road to the crick.

Jurassic park--I love it!

It's so dark. The tall, tall mountains are covered. Looks like it's still snowing.



Abrupt And Useless Bluffs (Official name from
the bluffs given and on U. S. Geological Survey Maps U.S.G.S.)


I'm so thankful for this beautiful day! We have a lot of Cirrus clouds because rain is coming. We also have the puffy thunderheads and blue, blue sky, peeking through. Tonight will be rain and maybe some light snow. The family rode motorbikes in the mud and even Dave and took out his big red truck.

I remember how my dad taught me how to control a spin, doing donuts in the field. So fun and the truck was so heavy--I could have hit a fence and nothing would have happened. It was a long-bed '56 Ford pick-up. Dave's truck is new and he had super fun. Randy had all his motor bikes and gear. Kiely threw a complete fit, worrying about the nice grass for her mare. We know who's #1 in her life. Sahara, the Wonder Horse. She'll be mad at me again for saying that. My favorite view is when the clouds gather on the Topa Topa Mountains, San Caytano, and Santa Paula Peak.

****Added on Dec. 24th 2008**** I have to give credit to my dear daughter, Larin, for the beautiful pictures. I can't take credit for them. She left me a sweet comment and I realized those were "her" pictures. Sorry I stole them--I got sooo excited to see my favorite view in the whole world besides my family, my home.

Abrupt And Useless Bluffs and I love the pink moment at sundown, Clouds, I'm getting to appreciate the beauty around me. I am becoming more like Bree.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

I Think Today Is Funny-day Sunday. Twilight Saga

Please Pause The Music Player, so you can hear this...she's so good, both are good, just like the movie. Larin's Arizona buddies sent this to her. Arizona...that's even funny.



The BEST PART: KIELY GOT SOCKS FROM SANTA AT THE FIREFIGHTER CHRISTMAS PARTY!

Twilight theme is too fun...I love this video

It's A Very Berry Lazenberry Christmas





it's Amazing, It's More Than Christmas









I was just going to leave the videos up on my blog for Christmas and try real hard not to blog anything after it, but I'm just having such happy thoughts that I have to do some journaling. I can't let these moments slip-away to not remember how fun and precious this year has been.

Well, you know Dave and Larin and their two boys are here for the holidays. Dave has transferred here and they are looking for a place to live. Jaxon, the almost 2 year-old has decided to live in a suitcase in the living room. When he wants to chill-lax (quote from Mike, in "twilight") and get privacy, Jaxon shuts the suitcase lid over himself. I'm not sure if Dean, his brother, has zipped him up yet. Jax's In A Box !



Dean, on the other-hand, is now "Frosty" and wouldn't mind me at all last night while I was watching him while his mother went to the market. Well, he did mind me if I called him "Frosty." So, while I was gazing at the computer last night, he came up and said, "Take this twig out of my mouth!" "What?" "What's wrong, Dean?" He said, "Grandma, take the twig out of my mouth, and let me see if I melt." So, I did. He didn't melt. He looked at both his arms and said, "I really am Frosty, I didn't go away." Well, under the circumstances, if he was really a snowman and was in our house--he definitely would stay frozen. I guess the teacher at Primary today, didn't call him by the right name of Frosty, because he sat in the hall most of Primary, at Church today. Dustin, Uncle Butt-Kicker, sat with him. I can only imagine what Dustin, my favorite son, must had done.

Steve and I went to another Mupu program and was just overwhelmed by the wonderful time we had at the Santa Paula High School Auditorium. We even did the audience participation activity. I'm also so proud of my grand kids and all their awards. Fun to have almost all my grandchildren around. Bree keeps sending us videos and they really help us stay close. Baby Charlie played the harmonica for Grandpa Doug's birthday party at La Cabana, Dec. 18th. My father-in-law played the harmonica, it so was touching to have the call timed so right. We really, really miss you Grandpa Doug. To see the video of this, go to Bree's blog by clicking the Redneck Reindeer:

BTW Bree, I WANT a razorback in Christmas lights for Christmas. You can send it email. Can you buy razorbacks with Christmas lights!?! Walmart? Arkansas is so cool. If you can have a name of a town called "Toad Suck" and want to live there, it just must be special.

The kid exposure has also a down-side. Steve and I have super colds. My voice is almost gone. Which Steve is now...counting his blessings. Yes, me not talking. I've been peeking at Steve actually watching "Christmas With The Cranks" movie. I know that in the past blogs I've mentioned my husband just doesn't want to watch anything. He's sick and stuck, and just laughing so hard---he's making himself start coughing uncontrollably--just left.

Larin and I watched a TV special, The Brady Family. So LAME!! Who thought of that and wrote it? Sorry, it was so bad! Bad, bad lines...and very bad acting!! FUNNY! We both had never seen it, before. It was funnier than any comedy, maybe I was just so sick. No, Larin is a crack-up! She narrated the whole thing. hahahahaa! hahahaha! hahaha! hahahahahaha!
Oh, it started with the scene of the house with all the trees and bushes stunted over the years. A Very Brady Christmas. We laughed so hard...we were crying. We made up the dialogue before they said it. Kiely came in when the family was inviting Cindy to the "Big People" table, because she's graduated from college, we knew that was going to happen... So, Kiely announced to us, that she is treated the same and what we were laughing about, wasn't funny!

The show was at a this happy point, family drama was over, and the perfect turkey was wheeled out to the family table. Larin said, "Oh, no! I bet the father will be called away in an emergency".... Yep, she called it. He was called-out, because he's an architect and people were trapped in a building. I think Dad Brady then, got trapped for Christmas. We started laughing so hard, I had to leave. Yeah, call the architect, not the police, fire department, and ambulance. Larin called it perfect, and I almost... Well, I couldn't watch anymore. People, a Christmas isn't complete without a fire call. Of course, as usual, Steve is working Christmas and he will either rescue a turkey or a bunch of burnt tamales.

I know there's more to come because Dave is a TV-Christmas-special-freak. "Stay here and watch this." All over the house there's Christmas music and something nice and hot on the stove. Peaceful setting--NOT. Actually, I've been in my room a lot playing with the kid's toys we're giving them for Christmas. They are going to get used presents. Larin, is at this moment, is reading a Christmas story to Dean and Jaxon. Jaxon is ringing door nob-Christmas bells and with the other hand, calling China on our phone. This IS an NEVERENDING STORY. Did you know that kid screams out-the-window... "Moon Child?" I think it's a real name in German, because I can't imagine anyone naming their child that. Remember, it was his mother's name? Never mind...I just heard---what Kiely is going to name all her babies. She has put "dibs" on all of them, like one of the other siblings would name their babies what she has dreamed-up. How did I get to this subject??? Anyways, Merry Christmas!

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Brad Wellman The Santa Paula Grinch (the younger years)

I feel this is a 'bout as close as I can get with Dr. Seuss:

Humph! It's Saturday night and mice were a'stirring, no other sound, or creature inside.
Not a kitten a'purrin' or even cat fight
I put on ma' jammies, heavy socks, and covered up tight. I picked up my ipod to listen, and held it with might.

The animals are safely snug in the barns.
Rains are a'comin' no need fur alarm.
The poor lil' children are eatin' loads of sugar 'n' sweets and getting sick and freaked-out at Church by, guess who?
Saint Nick.

From afar I hear, and rose with a clatter (?)
I opened the door to see what wuz the matter.
I froze in ma socks when I heard a loud yodel,
Way up from afar--and it's gettin' colder.

Ah Yes! It's Spanish, I'm sure, I've heard that sweet polka mix, now that I'm older
That tells a lot, because I'm also more bolder

So I'm dancing around and doing some tricks
My goodness, what's next? Do I see Saint Nick?
Yes, drums, cymbals, bells, and ringin' that's quite a'kick
Polka, music, yodelin' fun--Oh, just a'lick!
Is it Mick Jagger? Aerosmith? Or rock star in lights?

It's ma grandson, Dean, he's got the beat right.
What a happy surprise, I'm in fur a'night
Polka, Spanish, drums, and occasional yell.
Yodeling, I'm sure, right up the crick dell.

(ya' feel like dancing right here, don't ya'?)

I heard it again, it was a loud moo,
And the dogs started in, a'yodelin', too.
The donkies joined-in and a rooster or two,
But that's not my fault I felt like yodelin', I do!
No one would know me, ma families gone.
My husband's at duty all though the night long.
So, I started, I promise, an' yodel, I did, and weird as this sounds...
The "mike," the noise, they all just shut-down!

There on the porch I yodeled right-out, and it wuz just me,
Yodeling all by myself.
It wuz so weird and I felt really funny
All the animals looking up at da human bean-dummy.

So I ran in the house and into ma cave.
Ma ipod in hand--Do I see my dear son-'n-law, Dave!!?
Off went ma lights as I jumped into bed....
And then a long thought....I'm not right in the head.


The KnappyCrew has more on this happy occasion.
You better tell us all, Larin! Dean?!

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Oh No ... Walmart Cut Mike's Head-off

Do you see something odd in this picture? Wouldn't you know, Walmart cut my "favorite" son-in-law, Mike's head-off the top of the Christmas card photo. Cute card, made me sad that I can't use it. Well, he doesn't care, he wasn't smiling anyway. Serves him right, actually, for the VERY difficult time he gives me. My daughter can be standing right there when I call and he won't let her talk to me. She's yelling, "Give me the phone, dang it!" And...he says, "Oh she's not here right now." or even a more irritating "smarty-pants" remark like, "Who?" I've taken so much mother-in-law abuse from him that cutting his head-off just makes-up for quite a lot! I'm sending the Christmas cards off anyway and laugh about it forever and we will be even!

Believe me watchers of my blog, this kind of stuff happens to me every single day! The curse has even flowed over to my daughters and son. We have "alligators" everywhere. This morning at the "dumb playgroup." We all call it that, but all my daughters really, really love it. Some weirdo-guy going through the trash cans came up to a daddy, who arrived later, just to stop by and visit with his family. I might add here, that he was the only man at the "park dumb playgroup."

The weirdo-guy just came over--and said something like...you are talking about me and then totally punched the daddy, in the face and in front of all the babies! Gasp! What just happened? The daddy just happens to be a Highway Patrol Officer. Wrong move for the trash digger, weirdo-guy. My husband even knew this same guy has a lengthy past of beating people up AND my husband is a "fireman." The daddy took the punch, stayed completely serene, and professionally called the police and gave what they call a complete, positive ID on the man that had so much rage inside of him. It was so scary. The daddy just happened to be off-duty and come at just the right time. What if? I can't bear to think of it. Was he inspired to come to just drop by? I like to think he was. And I'm grateful.

Now that I think of it....I'm getting new cards. Mike should be in the picture. He's a cop. He's awesome and I admire him, I really do. And very, very proud of his service in our town. Mike is a great, great husband and he really loves my daughter and is just the very best of daddys, too. He even coaches my grand children's games and wants to be involved in everything they are interested in. He even helps at the schools. Just let me talk to my firstborn "Worm." Okay, Mike? I know you love "the Worm" and you're trying to save her from me. But....I'm still her dear mother...who picks blossoms of blue flowers...

Now, I'm closing the windows tonight and locking the doors to everything. Hope that the alligators stay in the "forbidden forest."

Cops Heads Weirdos Alligators Curses Blessings
La Vida Sueno

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

News Flash. Grandmother Runs Over Grandchild With Motorized Wheelchair At Disneyland


Just when ya' think that you're having the best time of your life. I ran over Dean, my grandson. The commotion startled me and I ran over my husband's feet. We were in the old winery (that should tell you something) but the feature there..is about the update on the "new and improved" version of California Adventure. It was super dark in there and for vanity's sake, I was still wearing my sunglasses. Dean was walking slowly in front of my "electric stroller" and I said, " Dean, walk faster!" "He completely stopped." I knocked him down, then the next few moments are a blur. I was trying to take pictures..I didn't think it was as serious as it was. The whole incident finally started to sink in and while getting car-sick on the new 3-D "Toy Story Ride," I started to cry. sniff, sniff. He has no bruises, no bumps, and still loves me with lots of hugs. The whole thing sure scared me!

I didn't go to the birthday party that night for Kenna in the Hotel. I kept the covers over my head. Now, this isn't a feel sorry for yourself kind of thing, just a broken heart and contrite spirit. I've really repented but then again yesterday while trying to show the ticket-taker my cards, I accidentally pushed the "go knob" and pushed the table into an old man, almost knocked him over. And, I'm so sorry. I did enjoy "Crush" and went "Soaring Over California."

I so need to remember to not be such a hot-rodder, pay more attention to what I'm doing, and maybe not be flustered about being late or in the way, and just be more patient. Okay, this scared me again. When will "careful" sink in?

Dean and I had a long talk, so I'm better with that part of it. I think Steve is still miffed over me running over his feet. Surfer bumps on such a surfer as he is, are easily irritated and the soreness remains for a very long time. OOPS. He still loves me, maybe I'll get my credit card back tomorrow.

Accidents At Disneyland and More Fun Stuff

Sunday, December 7, 2008

We Are Really, Really, Here At Disneyland & We Love It

It is so festive here. So many of us are coming down. I think about 29 of us. I don't know how we're going to meet-up with everyone. We did just happen to run into a family from our own Ward. Actually, we escorted them over to the "Flying Over California" ride and watched their kids so they could see it. Oh, their children were soooo sweet and just entertained us the whole time they were on the ride. That was just so fun. Our rooms were on a different side and a different floor, but even more rooms all hooked together. The Grand California Hotel is a MAZE!! Kiely has been putting green make-up around my really red eyes and the red just disappeared. Glad Kiely could fix me up, so I won't have to wear sunglasses the whole time. I've just watched everyone and just enjoyed the beautiful days here and laughed at all the commotion that we don't need to worry about anymore. I did find out I really, really talk in my sleep from my son and his family and....I guess we all wore our ipods because most of us snore. No one will tell me what I say in my sleep. Happy Daze! And Merry Christmas!
Annual Tradition For Us At Christmas Time

Friday, December 5, 2008

Happy Elves Off Wellman Way



I Wish I Could Have Saved The Video Mom Dances Great!

Thursday, December 4, 2008

No, I Didn't .... Susan Lazenby, Get A Life


See my Twilight shirt. My mom thinks I'm obsessed.
No, I'm not.











This is so pickin' wrong! I've never, ever gone to the same movie at a movie theater 3 times in a row. I almost sat in Steve's lap because I did know what was coming and it scared me. "Oh! just spare me!" I know you are thinking that. It was my reward for finishing 80% of my Christmas shopping and we didn't have to drive very much to get it done. Yippee...

Jaxon sat on my lap today and cuddled for the first time. It was HIS idea and that made my day.

Two sheep have some dang wool fungus. How'd that happen?






And the stallion finally bred to our major donkey, Rosa. It's a love/hate relationship. Sonny seems happy, but we don't understand Rosa, the donkey.


We had a party at the cultural hall last night. I don't know exactly how all of us ended-up there. Dave had an Elder's Quorum meeting. I had a Young Woman's meeting. Steve said, "Look in the cultural hall and it's filled with our kids." 10 of them were missing and there were still lots. Even the grown-ups were playing dodge ball. It went really well we laughed so much and no one got hurt, except the "Boy Team's" feelings, because the "girls rock" Tatum is amazing, she just about is impossible to hit with the ball. Fun night. We need to do that again. I think we should play "Butts Up" because my backside will beat anyone elses. Maybe I don't have the rules just right? Sheeese! It's after 8:00p and I maybe sorry I wrote this in the morning.

Oh, I forgot, see that fireman up in the corner opposite me? Edward was on the Santa Paula Fire Department under an assumed name and is now back at school. His family lives across the main road of our place. Really!

I bribed my husband and he liked it.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

The Sabbath Ward Sunday Sneaker, I Sneaked?

I'm good. I waited until the prayer was over and THEN I tip-toed to the back row. (We don't have a breezeway, well, we do, but we don't really use it) I sat by my mother-in-law, Kiely and Randy followed me and we sat quietly down together. I haven't looked well enough to attend church and this has been 6 weeks in a row. Longer than anytime, ever. My face didn't look real bad--Kiely used green make-up on my black-eyes. Of course it being new skin, it turned even blacker today.

I had to go to church! I needed the Sacrament. I was almost obsessed with finding a way to go and not talk about why I look so scary. The missionaries were coming to my house even, to invite me to church. I was on the list. ME??? Actually, I think they were just coming for the Mountain Dew. Yes, sir-eee. I don't drink that stuff, but someone has a stash somewhere. I won't say who.

I listened carefully to the speakers, loved the talks. Keith Ashby actually makes me cry, he's so sincere in his talks and just pours out his heart. He will be a great missionary. I somewhere started thinking, probably sometime during the rest hymn, that I needed a plan to escape; and yet follow the directions on being excused. What door, where to go? I have lots and lots of family here and they know. I've got body guards. Actually, most of them don't even know I DID come to church. Did I really run down the hall to the Bishop's office like a crazy person? Almost. I had to pay tithing. Can't say what happened next, but I just got stuck. I am trying to be good, bless their hearts. I HAVE to set-up the YW room. So, at a slight moment of distraction, (thank you, Sherman) I shoot through and run like a crazy person to the other side of the building. Did I say run, again? Well, I did in the cultural hall. Cold, very cold--the room, I mean. We are meeting in the Relief Society room.....oh yeah, Duhr...

It was the 5th Sunday and we all met together to start an amazing program of fasting and prayer. Our region was especially chosen. My Marnie saved me a seat in the back, near the door. See how they help me? There really wasn't enough room in the Relief Society for the whole ward, so many were standing. Our chapel is used at that time for the other ward that meets here. At the very end, Marnie's baby needs attention and I have to stand and walk out of the room to let her out--we were like sardines in there. My rivet type button to my camo jacket caught in the hole where the door shuts into and I slammed back into door jam, like rubber band, and then into bishop and his little grand daughter. We danced there for a few seconds, Marnie, oh thank you, unhooked my jacket. My stealth-mode was compromised. I decided to just sit in a chair in the hall, right near the door and I turned COMPLETELY RED from embarrassment. I did stay there for the closing prayer. The new program is a mission...

A few people asked me if I was thrown out of class and I so I started to make a bee-line to my car. OOPs! I forgot something, "Dustin take my picture and send it to dad, so he can see I'm at Church. PLEASE?" He had fire duty and I think, that he knew while he was gone, I would have chickened-out and ditched church. Dustin did take a picture, but sent another person's picture to his dad. He's sooooo mean.

Thank you my dear son! I'm in camouflage, Steve probably wouldn't have recognized me anyway.

I feel like a nut...Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't...Isn't that a jingle to a commercial? What!?

By the way, have you seen Larin's blog? Knappy Crew This is really an everyday adventure at Danger Ranch. Dave, Larin, and the boys are living on the ranch until they can find a decent house in this town. JUST TODAY...... Dean joined a gang, Dave roped a donkey, Kiely let all the sheep loose. The buck is in the doe's pen acting crazier than a loon, and all the dogs watched. Are they really, really ranch dogs? I want to know. A chicken lost it's will to walk. There was a fight at the pizza joint. Don't ask me, I wasn't there. Told you.

I shouldn't write any blogging stuff after 8:00p Hey, did you know Christmas is coming?
I fully did a  hideout in my camo and sunglasses

Sunday, November 30, 2008

All of Thanksgiving and Friday I thought of Jeanie

I almost didn't put my post online below. Actually, it's the posting that I wrote just before the Happy Thanksgiving post. I had worked on that post for weeks collecting family sayings. I never meant to hurt anyone and especially my best friend since Kindergarten. I just quoted my dad trying to be "a dad" and using this off-the-wall expressions to stop our bouncing on horseback and get a tighter bras. Jeanie and I have laughed about that our whole lives. Then, out-of-the-blue, Jeanie calls on my husband cell phone and we were out in the 'almost desert' shopping. Jeanie said just right-out that she had breast cancer for sure. I was the one that was suppose to get it. She sings, is beautiful, and I'm her fan--you know, like the "Wind Beneath Your Wings" movie. I first couldn't comprehend what she was telling me. I was in shock and I know that my emotion of that, was really evident on the phone. My husband and I drove to her house and as ugly as I look right now, fighting facial cancer, to say just something encouraging to her---I couldn't say anything. Steve and I stayed almost an hour. She was getting so many calls. I came back in the evening to talk. She has been such an example to me. She's been eating healthy, a vegetarian for years, walking miles everyday, and no history of breast cancer in her family. I'm just the opposite. This is not fair for her. Why?

I've had a couple of biopsies, one tumor removed, a couple positive re-screenings. How can this happen to her? I just couldn't handle it. When I knew I had breast cancer (not, it was benign) I had this elaborate funeral planned for my breasts. A cement cross with pink flowers and ribbons all over it. I would hope they gave me the breasts the doctor removed, so I could plant them and then plant a pomegranate tree there. There's a metaphor in the Bible about breasts and pomegranates. Then, Floppy and Bob would be laid to REST IN PIECES. I would write RIP on the cross. Dolly Parton has tattoos on her scars, don't ask me where, 'cuz I don't know.... but tattoos, I would do it, just to GLAM it up. I would have a large Breast cake made and we would have a party with a couple fireworks to say goodbye.

Jeanie made me promise to get a mammogram. I've been putting it off because I'm scared of another failed test. Waiting is such agony. I called Friday, thinking it would be a few months, you know how booked these places are. No, I got caught. Saturday Mammogram at 9:15 a. Like Saturday school detention. I called Lori, my sister, and asked her what I needed to ask the technician and she told me when I have my mammogram, be sure and have the technician check the lymph nodes under my arms, we are built a little differently. I had forgotten that information or mental block there because it hurts a little bit. Lori reminded me she'd been after me since my birthday in October and also the Breast Cancer Awareness Month.






















I can't go to the appointment that I made and I don't even want to go at all. I want to ride in the parade with my family, it's a tradition and we take-up almost two engines with our large family and Dustin and Steve drive. But, I made a promise and that's more important. I had forgotten, but did remember (thank you) from my sister to catch those under arm lymph nodes and I for sure ripped or tore-up my rear udder attachment. (translation is skin tearing) and it did. I was in a real hurry to get back to town even though I did do the exact speed limit. I went on Santa Paula Street and I checked down all the streets and found the fire trucks, still waiting, parked my car in a glorious parking spot and jumped on the step behind Steve. I was in the Santa Paula Christmas Parade, with a black and red ball cap on, huge sunglasses on, waving like Miss Guatemala; and something started hurting like blisters all around my chest. Yes, I knew what happened. How completely dumb, to let that ever, ever bother me. That thought was sooo trivial....I felt fine. I'm thankful for 100% soft cotton jersey clothes that I wear. Like usual, the pain was very short and this morning completely gone, but my head was thinking about my friend. It's a rough rode a head for Jeanie.

I know that we are in an earthly experience that there are those things that Heavenly Father allows to happen to us for some reason. Trials strengthen our faith and I know that we aren't given so much that we cannot pass through the trials. I choose my earthly life and all that goes with it in heaven. I can pray for her, I can do that and she asked to be put on the prayer rolls of the Temple and I'm so thankful to be able to do that for her.


I believe a lot of men want to retire and be mammogram techs. Glad it was a girl giving me the screening! I'm thankful for the sweet encouragement that she gave me. I'm also glad that the tech didn't use what I can't even bear to think about , but do....and it's a pickle picker. Looks like a medical instrument to pull the breast into place. Whew! They don't use these, except in bad dreams. When I get that note from your doctor saying, "All Clear!" I will forget the very, very slight discomfort. And by chance it comes back different than that and I need surgery--I say GLAM I'm GLAMIN' my new ones up and if I choose not to have reconstruction, I'm going to GLAM that space up-- have a party! Men make them out to be WAY more than they really are. I'm going horse back riding bra-less! To My Dear Friend Jeanie: YOU GO GIRL!!! Sooooo......moral of the story.......don't put off those monograms!

Happy Father's Day. I Love Animation, Especially When It's Not Well Done

Be Sure That The Music In My Player Is Turned-Off. You Just Hit The Center Button.
Kiely, Marnie, Steve, Tressa and Larin


Try JibJab Sendables® eCards today!






Too Many Kids... Not enough Heads

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone

Well, with my dad just below, I couldn't help but think of Thanksgivings past. Until I joined the Church in 1970 we never said, that I can remember, prayer before our dinner. We always did at events like Rotary and the fire station; but the thing we waited for at home at Thanksgiving was my dad to sit at the head of the table and say, "Pass Ever'thang!" Sooooo the first year, 1970, I said the prayer and then, my new husband the next. But still there was the old tradition--we would say prayer then look at my dad. He would grin clear across his face and announce, "Pass Ever'thang!" Only then we could dive-in. We were able to have prayer together for 30 years and then laugh at his announcement. It doesn't seem funny writing it. But, believe me, it was sooooo old and so funny--all of us couldn't wait, actually anticipating it. My children, except baby Kiely, were able to say prayer with him, even my mom (she's says prayer, just like us, only not baptized, yet) She even tells the missionaries she's a member and then they corner me and ask why isn't your mom on the rolls of the Church?

I'm blessed my husband gave my mom a ride out to my Aunt Diana's today. I stayed home still fussing with a cold, and face mess. But....really nothin'. I just don't want to pass on the cold. This whole day I've felt so thankful and so very blessed. Even with my Bree and family in Arkansas--I feel they're all around me. So dad, yee-aaah, Wha-hoo! "Pass Ever'thang!" A time for reflection...Old Times

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Quirky Old Fashioned Family Sayings

I really wanted to write down some of my dad's sayings. I've emailed so many people to remind me. I am going to include a few of Steve's that came from his side and a couple from Justin Hall, a missionary that served in Fillmore that we stay connected to with the blog, emails, etc. He is a real cowboy, but even more than that he is a cowboy poet. I feel so blessed to know him and his family.

This is how I remember my dad's looks the most. The older Gene Wellman looks a lot like Jack Nicholson. My dad's personality was not at all like Jack Nicholson, my dad was super funny. I couldn't bring too many friends over. I was afraid he would walk around down-stairs in his under-bunders My best friend Jeanie was used to it. She always got a kick out of him saying LSMFT. In real life it means Lucky Strike Means Fine Tobacco, and he smoked Lucky Strike cigarettes. To my dad it was short for put on a tighter bra when you are riding the horse, especially when I was showing the horses. Guess he didn't like guys or judges looking at me. It meant, "'Loose Straps Means Floppy Tits." It was all about "strappin' them back." According to Molly Shannon. (SNL) Jeanie will lol when she sees this--I know she's never forgotten that. I think she was told that everytime she came to the house to ride with me. Okay...Here's the list:
"Oh, this and that and stuff like that" (we said it and still say it)
"Ya' want a pokey hat?" (sounds bad, just an ice cream cone)
"What For?" ask my mom...she'd say, "Cats for, kitten britches, wanna' buy a pair?" real fast
"Go break me off a switch!" my mom....I hated that! She still runs faster than I do
"Rode hard and put away wet!" I heard that a lot and had to walk my horse an hour after every ride and if the horse was wet still, it had to have a blanket. 
My dad, "If you don't stop cryin' I'll give ya somethin' to cry 'bout!" From Everyone in my family
"That (creep) is lower than a rattler" I know you can go lower, like in a wagon wheel rut. (Creep is a substitute word. I think I'll have to do that with a few others on this list.)
"You're just like a blister, show up when all the work's done." My son's saying
"Go play on the freeway!" Ewwww or "Go take a long walk on a short pier!" I hate those.
"Hotter 'n a three-balled tomcat in a pepper patch." Did I really write that?
"Build a bridge and get over it" or just plain "Get Over It!!!" My husband
"This is such a purty day, glad I didn't strangle as a baby." Mr. Willard Beckley
"You can't fix stupid!" My husband
"What n' tar nation?" I have no idea where that came from, but my mom even said that today.
"Better than a poke in the eye with sharp stick.."
"What ever blows your skirt up." Ron Meadows
List of the subtitute "F" words: Not the really bad ones...
"Windchee" Granma Connor
"Bucksnort" Granpa Connor
"Tooter", "Let One," "Pass Wind" Last one refers to a horse
"Horse Apples" Dad said that's why that place is called Apple Valley. Or "Go clean all those Horse Apples on...." (and that was just about everywhere!)
"Quit Being sassy or I'll paint yur back porch red!"
"Don't make me stop this car!" She did, my mom
"Behave or I'll sell you to the gypsy's!" I said that to my grandchild last week (Mom....? Dangit)
"Your hairdo looks like a prairie chicken!" Shelly Smith and we say it all the time another one....
"You little humans!" or "You little Beans!"
"Whoa, Did ya' comb yur hair with a firecracker?"
Justin Hall's quotes and some were my dad's too:
"Courage is being scared to death, and saddling up anyways."
"You and me are gonna' lock horns!"
"Don't piss down my back and tell me it's raining!"
"Don't bite your nose off despite your face." Everyone in my family
"Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day."
"Accckkkeeee Doo-Doo" "Poopy" "Poop" Mostly, "ACCCKKKKEEE!!!"
"I'm gonna kick your (butt) so hard, you'll wear it as a'hat!"
"Putty-knife" or "Monet" or...there's lots more...but my girls describing other girls
"He couldn't hit (shoot) the broadside of a barn" My dad
"She got ants in her pants?"
"Work'n like a dog." or "Sweating like a pig" lol pigs don't sweat and our dogs don't work.....
"You could just grow potatoes in thar." (ears)
"Yee--aahhh, all waaasshed-up with a dirty neck" My mom
"Crick" The creek behind our house--it's a river right now, cuz it's raining
"Circlin' the drain" dying
"fair ta middlin' " My husband
"Grubs on!" Dinner's ready, everyone says that
"We'll wait for you like one pig waits for another" if you miss the "Grubs on" Steve, my husband
"Wanna' hear a dirty joke...White horse fell in the mud" I heard that hundreds of times. An fell for it over and over. My dad
"You're so loud, even Mel can hear you!" Etchells Family, but Mel has passed-away and that even gives the saying, a deeper meaning. I told his wife recently we say that, and she cracked-up. He's been gone for a lot of years now.
"Quit running around like a chicken with it's head cut off." My mom
"Oh, sssshhh Chipmunks!" My mom
"Your Grandpa Joe can't carry a tune in a bucket!" My grandma Wellman
"Happy as a tick on a fat dawg." Ron Meadows
"If 'twas a snake it'd bit you!"
"Slick as a whistle!" My dad said that everytime he didn't hit a rock, diggin' post holes
"Well, just bless her heart." When you think you've said something not complimentary about someone-Oh, we all say it.
"He's busier than a one-legged man at a butt-kickin' contest" My dad
"That (SOBs) as full of wind as a corn-eatin' horse. My dad, of course
"Off like a herd of turtles" Mostly, my dad said that backwards
"Wish I had a swing like that in my backyard." Steve looking at a senior girl, when he was a freshman, near the pool side alley and ran into the pole. Yes, he fell down and I think he said he cried. I know her name.....
"He's out n' the marble orchard." Everyone--about the cemetery
"Well, cover me in honey and roll me in oats-just call me a Honey Nut Roll" My husband is happy
"Tighter than the bark on a tree."
"If I were (a dog) as ugly as him. I'd shave his (rear) and make him walk backwards!"
"I'll be darned!'
"She's so buck-toothed, she could eat an apple through a picket fence." My dad and my husband
"Slower than maple syrup."
"Scared me out of my skin." Yes, my parents did that a lot
"Talkin' poor mouth." My husband doesn't like pitty-parties
"____ is going to hell in a handbasket" Grandpa Joe
"She'll just bite yur head off!" My dad talking about my mom
"Madder Than a Firecracker" "You're drivin' me up the wall."
"He could fall in an ( sh*#.....outhouse) and come out smellin' sweeter than a rose" My dad and my husband uses the substitute word--funnier with my dad's. I'm bad, I know.
"Yur ugly and your mother dresses ya' funny." Steve to my son, still!
"Am gonna' knock ya' n' to next week!' My dad (never ever spanked me lol)
"Crazier than a run-over dog" My dad
"He got hit with the ugly stick" Steve's favorite line You can add uglier...if you say whopped with the whole forest.
"She's like puttin' a dress on a worm." Steve about Tressa and the nickname stuck, "Worm"
"She's got summer teeth" My Steve, meaning some of her teeth are missing
"Butter Face" My Steve, meaning she's got an ugly face.
"Madder than a wet hen." My dad
"I'm not asleep, I'm just checkin' my eyelids." My husband
"I'm freezin' my tail off" My dad
"Act like you got manners" My dad, mom, and both grandmothers
"You (darn) pot-licker!" Yur a mess 'cuz yur licking the pot for cookie dough or the sop of a roast
"Fish or cut bait" My dad, get to work
"I'm gonna' jerk a knot in yur tail." My dad and Steve
"I'm gonna' slap yur nakked, and hid yur clothes."
"Think thie'all waaaoosh them toys aft the kids waller n' them?" To Bree in the library in Arkansas The lady's accent was so thick that I can't even write it like she said it.

I have tons more, better go to bed. "I keep checkin' my eyelids" and I'll be "lookn' tomorrow like I been drug threw a keyhole backwards."